Monday, March 08, 2010

Random Pack Breaks - Oscar Hangover Edition: TRON

Editor's note: If you're under the age of 18 or don't want to see swearing, stop reading the moment you encounter a Voltron reference. Cuss words lit within.

Congratulations to Jeff Bridges for his well-deserved Career Achievement Best Actor win. The ladies and Jesse James might have shed a tear for Sandra Bullock, but it was The Dude who was really keeping it real.

But let's get something straight - screw The Dude. Did the Dude, as Sally so eloquently put it, ever get his mug on a bubblegum (ie trading) card? Nope. Did the Dude ever ride a light cycle? Nope. Did the Dude ever wear some neon glow-in-the-dark leotard that paved the way for the Avatar motion-capture effects. Triple-dog nope.

With that, let's celebrate the Oscar glory of Clu with a Random Pack Break of Donruss' TRON. Whilst I do, I'm going to play a drinking game. Every time I spot The Dude on a card, I'll down a White Russian in his honor. Yes, card blogging has led to pack-busting drinking games.

Here's what awaits:


Eight cards, one sticker and some tips on how to kick some joystick ass. It's a good thing I'm getting an authentic sticker as opposed to a fake one in this authentic pack of TRON trading cards. Why did Upper Deck have to settle so soon? This might have made for a solid defence somehow. Then history would have labeled it as the TRON Defence.

Ahhhh, key art sticker. I'll send it to anyone who promises to use it as a template for their next tattoo. I'll even foot the postage.

The standings so far:Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0

 Cool angle of a light cycle.

The standings so far:
Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0

More light cycles. And a grid. Makes me want to do some math.

The standings so far:
Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0

Hey look, they made a trading card of my first set of Space Lego.

The standings so far:
Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0

I wonder if this card was done by the same guy who scribbled my monkey sketch card from Indiana Jones Heritage.




Seriously, are there any people in this set or just cheesy special effects?

The standings so far:
Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0

Space Lego make-out session. Gross.

The standings so far:
Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0

Could it be? A Light Cycle Threesome! Goodness me, I'm stymied as to why this set exists. Obviously the Dude is torturing me for saying his name in vain. Why else would I have to endure this torture. The Dude tests.

The standings so far:
Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0

I wonder if Voltron is a tribute to TRON? Random thought brought to you by a lack of humans on trading cards.

The standings so far:
Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0



I'm not one to swear very often (it adds to the affect for when I do), but WHAT THE FUCK?! Bipped by a fucking card of fucking some geo-fucking-metric nightmare. This is what I get for slacking off in Grade 12 math. I don't know what a rhombus is but I know fucking Tron should lurk somewhere within my pack of TRON cards. Grrrrr. Where's dayf's FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU guy when you need him?

The final tally:
Dudes: 0
White Russians: 0
Space Lego-Inspired Bips: 1

Being stone-cold sober right now makes the pain even worse.

Dude, you are now officially the man. You've got nothing on TRON, at least until IMAX TRON 2 comes out. You are the official incarnation of Jeff Bridges that all must follow. Abide.

[Editor's closing thoughts: This site is not anti-Dude, anti-Big Lebowski or anti- anything Jeff Bridges. I love Jeff Bridges. Heck, I have the DVD of The Door in the Floor. Calling out the Dude was meant to draw attention to the fact that movie TRON is pretty great, too. Just not the cards.]

2 comments:

The Wax Wombat said...

Tron WAS great. I fear the sequel.

Peterson said...

one of my favorite movies. It was what made me notice Jeff Bridges, Lebowski made me love him. No harm done.